I can’t count the amount of times I’ve heard people complain about on line dating. I myself have had some not great experiences. However, I have found it is a rich place to learn about and become more aware of myself! It is in this spirit I thoroughly enjoy coaching clients around dating and relationship manifestation!
In Coactive Life Coaching, we are always working with the balance between Being and Doing. Our culture is so Doing focused, though, that many times in my sessions, more emphasis is placed on Being. I use embodiment, visioning, and emotional process to help people generate the vibration of what they want.
BE(ing) the change you wish to see in on line dating!
When working towards a romantic relationship, the first step is to get clear on what is it you truly want. This is how we generate the Being aspect. There are often layers of cultural norms, myths, and stories about what love is, how a relationship should work, and how to attract someone that we need to sift through. This can be a very fun and exciting process! The crux of the work is How Do You Want To Feel with the other person? Which values do you imagine they need to have? Who do you need to be to have this relationship? What are your unique strengths in relationships? What are your challenges? What is important to you about dating/being in a romantic relationship? Relationships are an area in life that we often go through unaware and repeat unconscious patterns- it’s worth some self examination as we prepare to date.
DO(ing) 3 Steps to creating an honest and inviting dating profile
Creating an online profile can be daunting but it can also be fun. Think of it as an extension of authentic self expression! We often get hung up with trying to attract… showing only our best qualities. On line dating profiles become advertisements for ourselves rather than an invitation to relate to us. This is an important distinction. Embodying your intention, values, and authenticity while creating your profile infuses it with your uniqueness. People are drawn to you who are more resonant with you. Otherwise, your “advertisement “ casts a wide net and you end up sifting through a lot of people who are far from being a match.
Step 1 Write about your strengths and also mention some of your challenges- the things you are working on in life or in relationships. This is a brave and vulnerable thing to do. It is powerful and invites connection. Consider the impact of these two statements:
”I’m not looking for any drama”
”I’m actively working on expressing my feelings in a healthy way“
The first one, I have seen repeated over and over on profiles. So much so that it becomes meaningless. In addition to that, it reveals very little about the author. The fact is, sometimes in life there is drama. Big feelings have that effect. The second one, reveals that the author is actively taking responsibility to turn the volume down on the drama big feelings create.
Another example:
"I am an easy going guy"
"I am working on managing stress and not sweating the small stuff"
The first statement is almost generic in the sense that most people are able to be easy going when not pushed or stressed. Speaking to being easy going is a way to share that you like this state of being, So why not express that you are working towards this way of being more and more. It's very relatable and engaging.
Step 2 Ask some open ended questions. No only does this give someone an opening to start a conversation with you but it highlights your curiosity about potential dates. It can make for a much more authentic conversation right from the start. Ask questions that have the potential to reveal what is important to someone, therefore creating more potential for intimacy.
What are you most passionate about?
What is a peak experience in your life?
Which music really speaks to you?
Who are some of your role models in life?
STEP 3 Share what you wish to attract! So many profiles are full of pessimism, dismissiveness, and sarcasm. While I believe discernment is important, negativity is not attractive and we all know that misery loves company. So if you want to meet someone who is heart centered and open, share your hope and optimism. It's ok to be honest about fears involved in not finding a date or a relationship. These fears represent the fact that relationships are important to you. If you have taken the time to create a profile, there is hope alive in you. Share from that seed of hopefulness. The on line arena is full of negativity. You will shine when you allow yourself to be light. I cannot give examples here because only you know what most hopeful in your heart. I invite you to place your hand on your heart and listen deeply. What does that hopeful place in you want to share?
